She'd recognise this retro radiogram - and then be blown away by its 160 watts of power.

Despite the Curiosity rover’s tireless attempts to prove me wrong with its lifeless dust samples, I most definitely am from Mars, and my wife may well be from poisonous Hell-planet Venus.
All it took was the arrival of Ruark’s R7 radiogram – part furniture, part electronics – and our different unearthly origins became apparent.
My wife instantly began to discuss the possibility of putting a pot plant on top, perhaps filled with those appallingly expensive fake flowers from Liberty, before entering a sort of feng shui trance as she visualised how the table-stereo thing might fit in with the decor.

PRETTY SOURCE-Y: The R7 delivers sound from all kinds of sources: CDs, DAB, FM and internet radio, phones (via Bluetooth) and PCs (via Wi-Fi). You can even run a TV cable in the back to make MasterChef sound like World War III

Naturally, I fled. Leaving her silently pondering, I rooted through cupboards upstairs trying to remember when I last listened to a CD.
I was halfway downstairs with an unpromising, forgotten disc with a picture of a man in a suit of samurai armour made of rubbish when my wife pointed at the hollow in the R7’s surface and said, ‘It even has an ashtray!’
Ruark’s people pointed out quickly that this was in fact a cradle for the remote, although if they’d left it in our house, they might later have angrily conceded that it was at least dual-purpose.
Radiograms – tables with record players and radios built in, youngsters – swept Britain in the post-war era.
If, having just felt a warm glow of nostalgia about your family’s old one, you’re now inevitably wondering if it’s still in the attic and eBayable, I should warn you that few models will be Antiques Roadshow material.

BENEATH THE VENEER: It’s not just pretty on the outside. The R7’s Class A-B amps are proper hi-fi gear, and its subwoofer adds terrifying bass. Meanwhile, the speaker cabinets and electronics are isolated to ensure distortion-free listening

So many of them were sold in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s that most have a resale value that puts them on a par  with teaspoons.
Ruark Audio is on a solo mission to bring them back.
The R7 has a retro look, but is armed with a battery of technologies so complete that the only thing missing is a tape deck.
It’s also a ‘real’ hi-fi, capable of producing beautiful, intricate sounds, and reaching volumes that’ll bring the police to your home.
It’s taken over three years to develop, with its creators fretting all the while that someone would beat them to it. No one did – but this machine will be copied.
It’s gorgeous. More to the point, it’s gorgeous in two languages – my Martian tongue (it plays CDs, has ‘real’ radio, links effortlessly to phones via Bluetooth and plays files on your PC via  Wi-Fi) and my wife’s Venusian (she said something about walnut finishes and the buttons).

SETTING (UP) THE TABLE: Wi-Fi hi-fis can be a headache to set up – a lie-down-in-a-dark- room kind of headache. This, though, connects instantly via the easy-to-use remote

Few objects have ever inspired this sort of two-planet, two-person love-in.
When I first saw the R7 – and the price – I thought, ‘OK, this is for people who read Wallpaper magazine and have personal shoppers.’ But it isn’t. Shops are fighting over these.
Big, normal chain stores like John Lewis. The first run has already sold out, and I imagine Ruark’s factories look like Santa’s workshop on fast-forward, except with sweating, fearful-looking humans, not elves.
The Essex-based firm started small, with lovely little walnut DAB radios, then moved on to iPod docks that also do radio and play CDs.
This, though, feels like its magnum opus. It’s blindingly expensive, of course, but utterly unique – and with 160 watts under the bonnet, you can let your whole neighbourhood know you’ve bought one.

ruarkaudio.com

The good Proper roof-rattling hi-fi hidden inside an innocent-looking table
The bad You can get Roman-style marble for this price
The verdict Utterly unique – and irresistible

THE GAMES

FORZA MOTORSPORT 5

£49.99, XBOX ONE

Forza Motorsport 5 offers a total of 200 cars to wreck, including gorgeous, purring Paganis

Racing fans with an Xbox One and a pulse should buy this without delay – it offers a total of 200 cars to wreck, including gorgeous, purring Paganis, plus a garage where you can use the motion sensor to stroke them lovingly. Sadly, it’s a bit unfinished: there are only 14 tracks.                                                           ★★★★★

RYSE: SON OF ROME

£49.99, XBOX ONE

Yelling orders ('Archers!') via the Xbox's microphone will quicken your pulse - but Ryse: Son of Rome's short, basic and too gory

The opening scene of Gladiator looks like Peppa Pig next to this brutal take on ancient Rome, which offers 100 ways to kill a man just with a sword. Yelling orders (‘Archers!’) via the Xbox’s microphone will quicken your pulse – but the game’s short, basic and too gory.                                                                      ★★★★

KILLZONE: SHADOW FALL

£52.99, PS 4

Killzone: Shadow Fall: Beneath those gorgeous pixels is a humdrum, bland and often irritating shooter

Killzone was the PS4 game Sony was keenest to show off prior to the console’s launch, and its bright sci-fi worlds give the hardware a good workout as you sit there and go ‘Whoa…’ Sadly, this wears off, and beneath those gorgeous pixels is a humdrum, bland and often irritating shooter.                                                 

APPS

From left-to-right: PhotoBox; Modernist Cuisine at Home; and MApp

PhotoBox

Free, iPhone / iPad
Perfect for the festive season, this enables you to turn your photos into prints, phone cases, mugs, jigsaws and more, and have them delivered to your door.   Click here to purchase

Modernist Cuisine at home

£54.99, iPhone/iPad

Yes, it’s £55 – but the luxurious photo-cookbook it’s based on is £100. Lovely pictures, including a bullet being fired through some eggs (for fun, mostly).   

MAPP

Free, iPhone / iPad

It’s the worst time of year for getting lost in shopping centres. This app offers help, with indoor maps for all the places your GPS won’t go, from UK airports to art galleries.

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